***
Welcome to my blog/deep thoughts/deep photos page. With any luck, I'll be posting new thoughts a bunch. So add this page to your bookmarks and keep coming back! Also, I'm a contributor to THE ONION. And to see most of my recent writing for HuffingtonPost.com, just click here: www.huffingtonpost.com/lee-camp
***

+ It's okay to say "That girl has nice legs," but if you say "That girl has nice arms," it sounds like you collect body parts.

+ I used to be slow to anger, but I kept practicing.

+ If I were a lightning bug (aka firefly) I would ask my lightning bug wife to wear venetian blinds on her ass. ...You know, sometimes I would just wanna get some sleep.

+ I think about 75% of mankind just act as mounds of flesh on which to display brand name clothing.

+ If you have a pot belly or a pot head - either way you're lazy. I would not choose a pot head nor a guy with a pot belly to be on my relay race team.

+ We work our asses off in jobs we hate so that we can save up enough money to go on a vacation away from the job we hate. Then once we've gotten a sunburn, a jellyfish sting, and our luggage stolen, we can't wait to get away from the vacation. Soon enough we're back in the office daydreaming about a vacation. ...Who came up with this system??

+ Life is a spark of light preceded and followed by an infinite nothingness. I've chosen to fill my spark watching "Judge Joe Brown."

+ I don’t like when animal rights people say “Put yourself in the animal’s shoes for a minute.” I’m like, “I’m wearing leather shoes. …I am in the animal’s shoes. …This animal is comfy.”

+ If this global warming thing does wipe us out, I hope our video blogs survive so that future civilizations will learn from our mistakes. Like, “Let’s take note of this – if your planet is on the brink of catastrophic failure, your first priority should not be to continue producing videos of a hamster eating a piece of popcorn.”

+ I can’t wait until the day they come out with a refrigerator that’s not made of metal. …then children will be obsolete because we won’t have any way to hang up their pictures anymore.

+ The new American creed: If it can’t fit on a tee-shirt or in a Twitter box, it’s not worth knowing. In fact, if we as Americans were – oh shit, I’m out of space.

+ Sometimes I’ll just lay awake at night pondering which came first: the super-hydrogenated preservative-filled chicken paste or the de-yoked hydro glutamate-based microwave-ready egg?

+ I think we should take all the liposuctioned fat from the past ten years and use it to give the entire United States a 3,000-mile-wide double chin. Don’t you think it would suit our personality?

+ It occurred to me I don’t need a smoke alarm. If I see a lot of smoke, I will be alarmed all by myself… And furthermore, I'm better than a smoke alarm because I WON'T be alarmed every time I make toast.

+ What will ultimately get us to fight global warming? - when the fashion industry realizes they need seasons.

+ You can tell a lot by a man’s facial hair, such as whether he’s given up on job interviews.

+ You know paradise for me? Walking into a grocery store and there’s one toothbrush to pick from. One orange to pick from. Maybe two types of cereal to look through. A shelf that said “meat” and a shelf that said “fake meat.” That’s it. That’s my idea of a good life. And to think, people in other countries dream of having the choices we have. Little do they know those choices are driving us weird.

+ We’re so desperate for a bigger, redder, year-round tomato that we don’t even care that it’s tasteless. We’re such a vain people that we’re even shallow about our vegetables. Just as long as the tomato has a good hairline, that’s all that matters. Yeah, anyone see a relationship between beautiful flavorless tomatoes and beautiful men or women without a single interesting thought in their heads?

+ Life is just a moonbounce with briefcases. It’s all chaos, you try to have some fun, you might hold hands and jump up and down with someone, but then someone else punches you in the face either accidentally or intentionally. The main difference is that with a moonbounce, once you start crying or crap your pants, you can leave.